The Thing About the Cheetos
by karkashan
Summary: A story about a Drum Major named Byakuya, a Color Guard Captain named Yachiru, her father, Zaraki the Band Director, a pile of Cheetos, and true lurve. Byakuya x Yachiru Everybody's in highschool in this AU! Ichiruki UnoZaraki implied. Oneshot


The Thing About The Cheetos

Byakuya Kuchiki, Drum Major of the Chaganaga High School marching band, narrowed his eyes at his mortal nemeses. Yes, that's right, nemeses. As in more than one nemesis. And who might be the nemeses that he was currently glaring figurative daggers at?

Why, the bane of each and every high school drum major in America, the Trombones.

Now for those who don't know, each "section" in a band is comprised of a single instrument, or in the case of the percussion, a series of extremely similar instruments. For the most part, the Woodwinds do whatever they are told what to do during practice, but tend to whine and make up things that don't make sense in a pathetic attempt to control the band. The Trumpets, Fluglehorns, and Mellophones are slightly less uptight, but aren't the brightest in the bunch. The Tubas, Percussion, and Color Guard are the only normal people in the band, but their definitely on the center of the bell curve. The Saxes are probably the most perverted, as they love making "Section T-shirts" that say things like, "I want to Sax you up", and "Saxual Education is my favorite class."

Now you may be asking yourself, if all these other sections are so weird, how bad do the Trombones have to be to piss Byakuya Kuchiki, Drum Major of the Band, off so much?

They never practice by themselves at home, ever. They show up to their section only practice fifteen minutes late, and then don't do anything for thirty minutes while they instead stand around and talk or through a Nerf Football at each other and see who flinches first. Occasionally, they'll use a Trombone that has been beaten up beyond repair and play "catch" while the two who are playing are riding in the back of two separate pick-up trucks. They sing random songs at inappropriate times, especially during school assemblies and football games. During summer band camp, when the other sections are practicing together to try and memorize the music, the Trombones are goofing off by juggling computer speakers and filling an twenty by twenty-five classroom with the smell of seven full size Axe body spray bottles, because a Freshman hadn't worn good enough deodorant on the first day of camp. Their favorite jokes usually always involve things like "Yo momma's so white she got cancer from a flashlight" or "That's what she said!". That, and torturing Byakuya.

But that wasn't the worst part of it. What pissed Byakuya the most about the Trombone section was that although they goofed off and never practiced, they were the best section in the entire band.

And it probably didn't help that Ichigo Kurosaki, Rukia's boyfriend that Byakuya hated with a passion, was the Section Leader of the Trombones.

While Byakuya had been contemplating on the infuriating facts about the Band, Ichigo got up in front of the entire band, who was waiting for an hour as their band director went over to the Judge's podium. They had just taken first place in the Fire Bird Marching Band Festival, and evidentially Ichigo had gotten it into his head that he should start up a victory chant.

Ichigo yelled out towards the Trombones, "What the hell did Chaganaga just do?!"

The Trombones, including Rukia, stood up and hollered at their rivals, Hueco Private Academy, "Chaganaga just T-Bagged you!"

And of course, this kept on going, and going, and going. Finally having enough, Byakuya walked through the opening in the stands, in search of the concession stand so that he could get some nachos. If he had to listen to that nonsense, he might as well listen to it while devouring that cheesy and jalapeño-y goodness.

When he had turned the corner, however, he accidentally and literally ran into the Captain of the Color Guard, the daughter of the Band Director, Yachiru Kusajishi, knocking the both of them into a pile of full sized Cheetos bags.

Mortified beyond belief, Byakuya attempted to stutter out an apology, only to be silenced by a kiss to the lips from the Captain herself. He started to respond to it, before he suddenly realized where they both were, and how close her father was. (He was in the same building, after all.)

"Yachiru, I don't think now is the appropriate time to be doing this sort of thing," said Byakuya in as serious a voice as he could muster amidst a pile of Cheetos.

Yachiru squeezed the Kuchiki's breath out of his lungs as she hugged him close to her, "I disagree, Byakuya." She gave him a smoldering look, "I think it's about time we made our relationship known. You know, official."

Byakuya gulped, "Are you sure?" His girlfriend nodded, and he sighed. "Never mind about your father, I think your mother is going to kill me before this day is done." He stood up, offering her a hand to stand up, which she gladly took. They then walked hand in hand back towards the stands, intent on informing those that would care about their "status".

A loud cheer came from the front of the section of seats where the Band was sitting, and Byakuya and Yachiru exchanged puzzled glances, before making their way to the front. What they saw almost made Byakuya become a convicted felon.

Ichigo had apparently placed Rukia on the hand railing in front of the entire Band, before kneeling down slightly and proffering her a small black box. I think you get the picture. She said yes, and the whole band went nuts in congratulating them with youthful vigor and reckless abandon.

Now as anyone can imagine, this pissed Byakuya off to no end, but before he could do anything, the section leader of the Saxophones, Yoroichi Shihouin, glanced over towards Byakuya and Yachiru. She smiled mischievously and said, "You guys are finally an item? I guess that explains why you like pink so much, Byakuya. I was beginning to think you were gay. Actually, most of the band thought so already."

Byakuya hung his head in defeat, "Why does everybody automatically assume I'm gay just because I play the frickin' Clarinet?"

Yoroichi chuckled, "Actually, the only people the _knew_ that you _weren't_ gay was Yachiru, Rukia, and most surprisingly, Ichigo Kurosaki."

Byakuya stared at Ichigo till the orange haired young man was paying attention to him. He then mouthed the words, "I'll let you live, today," to the younger man.

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Hisana Kuchiki, 14 years of age, named after her grandmother, stared at her father incredulously. "Are you trying to tell me that mom decided to make your guy's relationship official while you two were making out on a pile of Cheetos?"

Byakuya nodded solemnly, "That's it exactly, Hisana."

"So did Pepaw Zaraki ever hurt you like you thought he would?"

"No, but I was punished and had to stay late after school for a week afterwards."

"Was that because of the relationship? That doesn't seem fair. I can't imagine Granny Retsu letting Pepaw do that."

"It wasn't for that, sweetie."

Hisana tugged on her father's sleeve, "Then why were you punished?"

"Your mother and I were both punished because we crushed half of everybody's snacks for the bus ride home when we fell in that pile of Cheetos."

"Is that why you don't allow them in the house?"

"Yes."

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FIN

AN: This has got to be one of the strangest fanfictions that I have ever written...Oh well. I wrote this a couple months back for some random birthday contest (for Byakuya...) held by Bleachness(debbiechan) on LJ. And then once that was done, I was going to immediatly submit it here....Yeah....That didn't seem to work out like I had expected. That reminds me...I have to finish that oneshot for the FMA exchange community before I forget...


End file.
